Goodbye, my friend (pt. 3)

Thought I’d given up on this ? Think again.

TL;DR – My supposed friends walked around my school’s yard, screaming out “GenYgg is gay”. My secret was out and there was nothing I could do about it. Depressing.

Here we are, the day after the event, I go back to school, feeling weird. It was a mix of guilt, shame, anger, sadness, confusion… Just a damn stew of emotions. Whatever, I’ll face whatever you throw at me, I’ve been through so much already, right ? Wrong.

I get to school the next day, and I go to our (the melting pot of friends I had) usual spot. I say hi to everyone, we start talking, whatever, whatever. Then one of my friends, let’s say his name is Adam, asks to speak with me. I agree. I follow him and I wasn’t expecting anything, which, a few years later, I wonder wtf, why I didn’t… I follow him and we end up with all of our friends. As I stood there, one of the guys, whom I didn’t really know proceeds to smacking my ass, then asks “You liked it, eh?”. Come to think of it, it’s funny because, on some level, I can almost understand what “Thirteen reasons why” was trying to convey. I can relate to it. I mean, I… scratch that. I’ve had my share of horrible experiences. Thinking about it breaks my heart, I’m literally tearing up as I’m writing this.

That moment, when that guy slapped my ass… I knew it was over. All of my straight friends were gone. None of them wanted to be linked to me, they stopped talking to me; and if they did talk to me, it was to make fun of me. The psychological repercussions were much greater than I could have imagined. To this day, I have a lot of trouble creating meaningful friendships with straight men. This last fact hurts a lot, because I’ve met so many good guys, but I’m afraid to build bridges, I’m afraid they won’t want to be friends with me.

I turned dark. This was the turning point in my personality. I started hiding who I was. The numbness grew on me, the void killed me inside. At home, things weren’t great either – I was despised for something I’ve yet to understand today. Nobody deserves this, not even remotely.

The bullying kept on going, no spoiler here. It kept going, even after I tried opening up, even after my attempts at finding an adult responsible enough to help. It kept going. It got so bad, I couldn’t bear to stay in that school.

So I left.

Until next time,

Be there for the ones you love.

-GenYgg

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