Goodbye, my friend (pt. 1)

Welcome back.

GenYgg here and I’ve got more to tell you about high school. Did you read the last post ? In case you didn’t, I was basically telling you how high school started choking my social life and how it turned me into a joke – that one guy we can make fun of.

Turns out this was only the beginning of my demise. After my first horrible year in high school, some guys thought it was funny to keep intimidating me. So they did. Laugh about the same things as last year, my great ‘stache, but they got more direct. It’s like it was yesterday, they teased me for having a mirror in my locker, they would take my lock away and throw it around. I hated them… the best has yet to come.

By this time, I was actually secretly starting to identify as a homosexual. I only started telling a few close friends and I recall the feeling of their acceptance to be exhilarating, like the first time you take ecstasy or smoke a joint; it felt amazing. The internal struggle that comes with the thought of coming out is painful, it pulls and tugs in every direction and your my mind wandered everywhere, wondering if it was going to be OK. I guess this reality, my reality, played a great role in enhancing the high I was on. I started opening up about it to more people, my friends – eventually my family, whom weren’t really surprised (I’ve worn dresses, liked the Spice Girls, Shania Twain and all that jazz). This was the second step that lead to my demise.

My confidence grew fast, the high was real, it was my pusher and my drug, I wanted more, I wanted to feel accepted. I took a gamble and told more friends, ones I wasn’t friends-friends with, but “friends” enough. Everyone I told accepted it, I was high.

See, I had this best friend, for whom I cared for very much. I’ll call him Tristan. Tristan had this girlfriend, I’ll call her Wanda. Tristan and I had known each other since 1st grade, we grew apart in high school, partly because I wasn’t mentally well, but we were friends. I remember coming out to him and I trusted him with all my heart – he was good, he was kind, I knew he would keep my secret and bring it to his grave. It’s sad that we kept growing apart. Wanda wasn’t being good to Tristan, and Tristan being my childhood friend, it hurt me and I didn’t think it was right… I thought I should let him know about it, but I was wrong… so, so wrong.

I wake up, get ready for school, I’m still high, this shit lasts a while. I get to school and I feel great, go to classes, boy was I glad my peers finally made me feel like their equal… again, feeling of acceptance… of belonging. I remember going home for lunch as I lived close enough, that was super cool. I could eat so many things and didn’t have to worry about lunchboxes and all. I was in a good mood, remember, I was high on acceptance.

I’m going to leave it to this for now; keeping it short and sweet for you guys.

Until next time,

Call a friend, get together for a coffee…  or even just sit together in a park.

-GenYgg

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